Oh my god! It has been almost a WHOLE year!! Cant believe it.I am in a different time and place and space now. Do last year's thoughts seem irrelevant now? Yes, a few but no, not much. I have missed 2 of my friends weddings and going to miss 2 more such good weddings. This doesn't make me feel good at all. I guess, nothing can be done about it. Is the answer I would like to give but I know that something can be done about it and it is I who has to do it. All it would take is a will and little money. In the bargain, I would get what I want, will have loads of fun and a lot more peace of mind. I dont think I will do it though.I don't have the money and am scared. Scared of i do not know what, but, I know I am. Scared that I will have too much fun. :)
Anyway, things have changed since my last post. I am in a different country. Surrounded by strangers and mostly the 4 walls I call a house.i have a lot of time and I can use it to pen down my erratic thoughts and reflect on them. I will not do it though because I am scared. Scared that what i am thinking would not go well with the society, people I love etc. Nevertheless, I would continue to think my thoughts and keep them private. I am not ashamed of them because I have accepted the fact that I have a tendency to flow out of this mold that i am supposed to contain/ restrict myself. I am glad they are only thoughts and not actions! For i will not like myself acting upon those thoughts. I would not be able to forgive myself otherwise. Just to make things clear, these thoughts are as harmless as a bee sting and nothing more. :P
What am I doing with my life is something I do not know. I do know that i am wasting it. Wasting the most important phase called the "youth". I think I am growing old before my time. So, honestly I don't consider this my youth but my age says so and I do not want to contradict it because it is . as i said before, I mold made for the society. Why do I think i am wasting it? Because I am not being worthwhile and by that, i mean only one thing, I am not being financially productive. Financially sound is the most important thing in my life after health. Everyone is healthy and thank god for that but I am getting wasted. Some people fail to understand how important this is for me. Which bugs me a little but then, it is none of my business what people think about me. It is between their heads and mind. Only when they start to try and TELL me about how this should NOT bother me as I have other (insignificant things as per my priorities)things to "fall" back on does it get me bugged like crazy! (let me stop at that for today)
Somethings have not changed at all. I still am a hot tempered, impatient individual who has remained an individual. i am a quick learner but there are some lessons that my stubborn mind refuses to learn. I am proud of them in someways but also realize that it might create a few hassles for my personal life. I do care. Rest of the crap, some other time...
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